So, here I stand.  about four months in to being a non-smoker.  Is this a huge accomplishment?  Abso-fucking-lutely.  Is this farther than I have ever gone? Word up.  Am I thrilled?  Nope.

I want to smoke all the time.  At least all the times that I think about smoking, which is often.  There are times that I’m not thinking about it and those times are good but in those moments I’m not thrilled with how far I’ve come because I’m not thinking about smoking.  Even thinking about the positives of quitting means that I’m thinking about smoking and that means that I want a smoke.  I hope this is not how quitting is, that for the rest of my life I’m going to want to smoke and know that it’s not going to happen and that I’m actively denying myself.  That’ll suck balls.  I’m still not crazy angry about not smoking, so that is positive.  The wife assures me that my cranky/asshole levels, while still higher than the national average for Canadians, have not increased with my cessation of smoking.  That’s positive too.

Sweet fucking hell I want to smoke.  All the time (except for those times when I’m not thinking about out, like now, so fuck off).


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