Dear Snowboarding guy

Low hanging pants.  I don’t get it and I don’t think that I ever will.  And that’s ok.  I see the guys walking around the mall with their pants at the mid thigh, being held there by a belt and I get to gaze upon their boxers (and on one notable occasion, his tight whities – I think he missed the point more than I do).  I’ve come to terms with it.  I accept that this is a fashion thing and that I’m going to keep seeing it.

So the fam and I are on a little ski vacation for march break.  At the hill yesterday there were a great many snowboarders and the wife and I noticed a strange thing:  snow pants, ski pants (whatever you want to call them) being worn baggy enough to fit two people and literally at knee height, held there by really long suspenders.  I’m not stupid enough to think that fashion and function always see eye to eye, but what the fuck?!  Ski pants are used to keep you warm and dry.  This is Canada and though we do not all live in igloos, it can get fucking cold.  Colder still when you’re whipping down a mountain.  How do snow pants at knee level help in anyway?  Is there some sort of snowboarding aerodynamics that us skiers just wouldn’t understand?  Listen, I’ve snowboarded, and loved it, but I can’t imagine any way that pants around my knees would help.  I’ve actually goggled this and discovered that often snowboarders wear baggier clothes in order to have a full range of motion for tricks and shit.  I can get behind that, but pants around your knees is not baggy.  It’s stupid.

My Contradiction

Now, when I was a teen, I wanted to ski wearing my jeans.  I wanted to forego the use of my snow pants all together.  Why?  Well, the snow/ski pants at the time were either  fancy tight ones that looked a bit like bell bottoms, but were cool as hell and the other kind that were Michelin Tire Guy puffy.  My parents did not provide me with the cool skinny ones (and I apparently saw no reason to pay for them myself) leaving me with the puffy pants, that I hated.  They were not cool.  So, in my teenage wisdom, I’d look cool skiing in my jeans.  I, and many of my friends, froze out balls off in order to not wear puffy snow pants.

I guess my real question for snowboarding guy is: Are there no other options?  I wanted the skinny pants and avoided the puffy pants.  You have what I can only assume are cool-guy snowboard pants and then using giant suspenders, lets just say it – clown suspenders, hang them at your knees.  There must be some middle ground.

Then there’s your coat/jacket/hoodie.  It’s crazy long.  Like, hangs down to your knees long.  It looks to me (the bewildered observer) that you’re trying to keep your ass warm and dry.  Why?  Because your pants are down around your knees and it’s fucking cold out!

I feel like an old man now.  I would have raged against the stupidity of my younger self as much as I am confused by you, snowboard guy.  I feel that I have taken into account that fashion and function don’t always meet, I feel that I have made allowances for some sort of generational thing that I, the old man, can not understand and still I judge you.  You look like a fuckin’ tool.

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