What am I going to do?

So, it’s been a couple weeks since I found out that I’d be moving to a new school in September.  It’s caused a sort of slow-burn devastation for me.  No, it’s not the end of the world, and yes I will get over it, but it feels like shit.

The school I’m at has been mine for a little more than two school years.  I love it here.  I feel like I kind of own it.  I refer to them as my kids and my teachers.  I’ve watched certain kids evolve in this span of time, changing before my eyes and it is joyous.  I’ve watched some of my teachers do the same, adapting to the environments in their classrooms, just like the kids.  I’ve come to see my job as supporting the kids through their year and also supporting the teachers through theirs.  I fucking love it.

There’s been a lot of up and down for me these past weeks.  I started off accepting the news and was just comfortable with knowing that I still had a job.  Since then, I’ve really started to see more and more things that I am going to miss.  I’m seeing all the stuff that might happen with certain people next year and have to accept that I won’t be there to hold their hands or help them up when they stumble.  Some days I can accept it, but on others, I want to scream and rage that this is being taken away from me.

I have always led with my heart in almost everything that I do.  That might actually come as a surprise to some, but my emotions are always very close to the surface.  Through my career I’ve become very good at keeping a lid on them and using them almost as a tool.  There are things that I have seen and been a part of that break my heart wide open, so learning to keep a healthy distance or at least the illusion of it has been a matter of survival.  This is the first time, in a very long time that this has failed me.  I am torn wide open and feeling raw.

Many of the people I have worked have asked, several times, “what are we going to do without you?”  I love being appreciated for what I do, and I feel overwhelmingly appreciated at my school.  And though I know it will all work out and no one’s world is coming to an end, the question is “What am I going to do without you?”

As the year runs it’s course I find myself, almost desperately, clinging to the new and important relationships I have, and at the same time, part of me is trying to mourn the loss of those relationships.  I want it all and I can’t have it.  I want to change the circumstances and I can’t.

“What am I going to do without you?”

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