The holiday season is stressful enough. Family members and friends come out of the wood work and you have to run your ass off trying to find enough time for everyone who needs some of your time. Then you spend the time with them, and if you’re anything like me, probably spend a chunk of that time wishing they’d fuck off for a few minutes so that you can breathe. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy giving presents to people. Well, the people I care about at any rate. I want them to know how much they mean to me, and finding that perfect gift, the one that tells them that I know them and that I see them, is an actual joy to me.
I hate getting presents. What if I’m disappointed? What if I think its stupid? I have this strange tendency to feel kind of aloof and separate from it all, when I’m receiving presents; almost like I’m somehow just faking it or that I don’t really deserve whatever love and caring that they’re showing me.
That makes Christmas tough, but it’s still kicking New Year’s ass. You see, at Christmas, I can and sometimes do, really enjoy reflecting on the love that have for those around me. I can enjoy the time with friends and family (and still want them to fuck off). That’s sort of the expectation, and I’m ok with that. It’s a positive thing most of the time.
New Year’s Eve is supposed to be this big party, this wonderful event. Fuck that. I don’t really need an excuse to go out with people I like and drink and have fun, though the dressing up part doesn’t happen often. And then come the resolutions. I hate that. Why? Because it seems that I’m expected to look back on the past year and pick out all the shit that I could have, and should have done differently. Are you kidding?! I do that on a daily basis! I’m always resolving to be a better person, I don’t need to shout it out to the world so that they and I can be disappointed when I don’t manage it.
That being said, maybe having this artificial moment, this finish/starting line, can be a good thing. A way to mark the time going by and the time to come. Maybe I should see it as an opportunity. Maybe I can open some new doors and say that this is the time when that began. Maybe I need to mark the moment when I decided to close a door or two, things that have had their time and just aren’t adding to the whole or are taking away from it.
Whether I like it or not, the holiday season makes me look at the people around me, the people and things who enrich my experiences and those that subtract from them. I love the people who are close to me, to a fault. I question them and their importance and I question my decisions and what I’m bringing to the table. I do it all the time and it’s not easy, so I can’t always deal with having this giant moment where I’m suddenly looking at the giant things; I have enough trouble with the day to day small things.
That’s the whole New Year thing to me.
Thanks for reading. You’re all generally well thought of, except when you’re not.
Welcome to 2016.