The school year is coming to a close. And just like last year, I’m waiting to find out what school I’ll be at in September. I have to tell you, I was a mess last year. I had been at my current school for three years; it was MY school. I felt like I’d moulded it to my shape, or maybe I’d been moulded to it’s shape, but it was mine. The school had two EAs but their allotment of EAs had been cut to 1.5 meaning i had to either take the 0.5 and find another 0.5 somewhere else, or leave entirely. At the time, it was a no-brainer, I took the 0.5 so that I could stay with what I knew and the people that I cared about.
It’s been a struggle this year. Being split between two different schools is not easy. But sometimes staying isn’t easy either; not that I’ll have an actual choice in the matter, but it’s helpful to at least pretend that I do. You work with people long enough and you can really find the amazing groove for how you guys do things. That’s the same for friendships too I think. There’s this comfortable familiarity. This has been my experience at my little school. There’s nothing we can’t handle and the work styles really balance well. It’s been a joy and a privilege.
My mom used to tell me, often, sometimes familiarity breeds contempt. I do use this expression and I basically get what it means, but in writing this, I can’t find a way to explain what it, beyond the surface meaning: you spend enough time with people and you’ll find that you don’t want to spend any more time with them. That sounds so very negative, and the real flavour of that expression isn’t necessarily negative, it could just be that it’s time to move on.
That’s a bit where I find myself as this year comes to a close. I desperately want to cling to the familiar things, the comfortable things, the things that I genuinely care about. At the same time, I want to tell those things to fuck right off. Even the school building itself sometimes just bothers me. Instead of seeing the halls and walls as a comfortable safe place, I notice the cracks and the really shitty acoustics and the occasional odour. I’m noticing the stress levels of the staff and gripes (some petty and some not) and the ‘politics’. These are the things that you can normally look past. Not so much anymore. Despite loving the place, I can say that the place also sucks ass. But, then again, most places do. I have great familiarity with the place itself and the people I work with and I do not have contempt for their flaws. Like a marriage or any relationship, these flaws and problems are part of it. You take them, warts and all, and work at maintaining the things that are important.
This is, honestly, the best part about not having a choice in the matter:
Even if it is time to move on, I don’t have to break up with where I am. I just have to accept that I’m being moved.
As I do with as much of my life as I can, I’m just going to roll with what comes my way. I’ve loved working at my school and the people I’ve worked with. If I remain there or move on, it’s been amazing.